By Kate Henry

Special to the Homer Independent Press

Pam Hays grew up on a farm in Ohio, but at 15 years old, her father decided to take a chance on a lifelong dream to move to Alaska. Pam, naturally curious and open to travel, decided to tag along. Her mother and sister were less enthusiastic about leaving behind family and friends so her parents made an agreement to rendezvous in Alaska the following year,  provided Pam’s father still wanted to stay. 

The father-daughter duo made the journey north in 1974. and they both enjoyed their first winter in the last frontier. They lived in Anchorage off of Tudor Road when it was still gravel. The following year, the family reunited and moved together to Soldotna. Housing was short, but they managed to find a trailer to live in.

“It was so cold that winter, my pillows froze to the wall,” Pam said through a playful laugh.

She couldn’t wait to get out of Soldotna and explore more of the world. She was 17, and there was only one stop light in town. She graduated early and enthusiastically set her sights on the wider world.

Academic pursuits and a curiosity for travel brought Pam to many places over the next two decades. During time in Paris, while studying French at the Sorbonne, she met her first husband, who was Tanzanian.

He immigrated to the United States with her, and the couple moved to several states while Pam acquired work experience and continued her education. They eventually settled in for a decade in Washington state where she taught at Antioch University for 11 years.

Pam’s marriage began to unravel, and the couple eventually divorced. She buried herself in her work to avoid the pain, which only exacerbated some health issues she was struggling with. Eventually, she met a woman who was also in the throes of divorce, and the relationship offered her support, helped her move forward and encouraged her to implement several intentional changes.

She began exercising, practicing yoga and spending time in nature. She leaned into friendships and found a connection to Buddhism. At one point in her healing, she felt a call to return home to Soldotna where her family still lived. There, she met her current husband, and, according to Pam, she’s been “happily stuck” in Soldotna ever since. 

I asked Pam to share her insights about life after experiencing tragedy herself, knowing all that she’s learned as a therapist. 

She said, “Sometimes people take things for granted they’ve done. Start from your strengths. When things aren’t going the way you wish, there are action steps you can do whether you change your behavior or change something in your environment.”

She also acknowledged there are things you can’t change. She said, “It’s not about smearing happy positive self-talk over problems. It’s about recognizing when a  problem arises, how can I approach it in a way that is healthy, helpful and supportive? Pay attention to the emotions that come up when you say negative things to yourself. You probably notice a sinking feeling or kind of a sad, depressed or anxious feeling. Just notice the connection between what you think and then the emotion that shows up. This is followed by a corresponding behavior.”

”The converse, then, would be to talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone you love or your child. Your child may do something that is wrong or bad, but you don’t make them into the wrong or bad. We all make mistakes. Encourage yourself to look for ways you can move ahead that don’t keep dragging you down.”

Pam and I talked about the challenges young people face with social media. She’s noticed a trend towards “sameness” that’s only been increasing with modern media outlets. We’re chasing trends to look and act alike, with the same lips and hair and interaction patterns.

“I’ve thought about this, and as I keep boiling it down, basically my philosophy of life is that we all want to love and be loved,” Pam said. “All the junk on top of that, all the behaviors that hurt ourselves and others, are usually coming out of fear. Ultimately, the hurtful things people do are coming out of fear, and that takes the form of defensiveness.” 

“Or,” she said, “sometimes it shows up as arrogance. People who come across as arrogant are usually insecure deep down inside, and the arrogance keeps others away. It’s self-sabotaging, but it keeps them feeling safe by keeping others at a distance. I think the perfection standard these days is a FOMO thing (fear of missing out). People on Facebook are slammed with this stuff all the time, and it’s driven by the need to fit in and be loved.”

Pam and her husband have a daily ritual. Every evening before dinner they share something they’re grateful for. If you try this, she recommends thinking broadly. Consider luxuriating in the little things, the person who repaired the stoplight, for instance, or your house being warm. Perhaps it’s simply the opportunity to snuggle up in bed and read at the end of the day.

“We’ve done that for 20 years,” she said. “It has made a huge difference in our lives. Doing a blessing before dinner and saying one thing you’re grateful for shifts the mood and creates a positive orientation to a conversation.”

Studies back up Pam’s experience. According to a Nov. 26, 2025, article on the Brain Foundation’s website titled Does Gratitude Rewire Your Brain?, people who practice gratitude daily benefit from reduced stress, anxiety and depression, as well as improved emotional resilience, increased immunity and better sleep. If you’re looking to increase the size of your gray matter, try practicing gratitude daily. 

For those considering pharmaceutical intervention, Pam said, “I’m not against medication, but it’s not the first place I go. I encourage people to first try other non-pharmaceuticals. Anti-depressants do not have a great track record. The only time I recommend pharmaceutical intervention is if a person can’t get out of bed, or if it interferes with their work or school. I like to say medication is the life ring they throw you, but you still have to learn how to swim.”

Pam has written several self-help books including “Creating Well-Being” and “Connecting Across Cultures.”

“Most people are pretty down on themselves,” she said. “Rather than start with what’s wrong, I really wanted to get across this idea that you’re OK who you are, and who you are is good. I found when I do strength exercises with people it always surprises me how many people get teary.” 

She outlines her strength building techniques in her books. If you’re interested in purchasing a copy you can find them at her website, Pamela A. Hays, PhD. Pam also recommended the book “The How of Happiness” by Sonja Lyubomirsky for the enthusiastic introspective among us. 

Though she recently retired in December, Pam’s still doing supervision for a new psychologist at Central Peninsula Hospital and occasionally gives talks when people ask. She’s also still writing a bit.

 “I love writing,” she said. “I went back to school nine years ago and got a Masters of Fine Arts in creative writing. It was so fun!”

Relationships also give her a strong sense of meaning and purpose, and she invests heavily in nurturing connections with family and friends.

“I feel like I’m in a transition year. I’m trying to figure out what I can do to contribute that will allow me to stay in balance but not tax me too much,” she said. “I put a lot more energy into physical exercise and fitness, and I’m continually looking for things that inspire me. I love to read and listen to podcasts. I’m so grateful for people who write their experiences down.” 

She recommended a book by David Epstein called “Inside The Box, How Constraints Make Us Better.”

“When we only have a certain amount of something, it makes us more creative. It’s affirming!” she said.

She encourages people not to get stuck in the “Woe is me” about what you can’t do and focus on what you can do instead. She also says to look for joys in your life and to consider starting a gratitude journal.

After my interview with Pam, I’ve been reflecting on the experience of going home. Sometimes we’re looking for a reset and crave the familiar: Mom’s Sunday brunch, that care-free cousin who can always make us laugh, a walk by the river we played in as a child, or the sounds and cool satisfaction of a heavy rain on a sweltering day.

Other times, we’ve hit a bump in the road and need a soft landing pad. Home can be associated with a place for some, and for others it’s about the people. Sometimes going home is the last place we ever thought we’d end up. Regardless of the circumstances, going back is never actually stepping backwards.

It’s more like sweeping around to take another look, to reflect and experience our relationship to a place from a new vantage point. Memories have an opportunity to mingle with the person we have become, and perhaps offer a reconciliation of body, mind and spirit along the road of life.